Monday, January 19, 2009

Toad the Massage Virgin

Mrs T. gave me a gift certificate to Massage Envy for my birthday last year. If you are unfamiliar with ME let me explain. It is a national chain of massage parlors offering a more therapeutic, less inclusive service than those near the airport in most major cities. Or so I'm told.

I had forgotten about it until recently, then I had to search high and low for the card. Without prodding and unknown to my bride, I made a reservation for a couples massage for our anniversary. We were told to be there 10 minutes early, since there were important papers to fill out.

Lest there be any misunderstanding, allow me to announce that in my 50+ years I have never had a massage of any sort. I am a massage virgin.

Driving there I made two completely uninformed snarky comments which I will share. I was wrong about only one of them, but only temporarily. First, I publicly stated that this was probably a business which will not survive these troubled times.

Second, I allowed that this seemed to me to be a lousy way to earn a living. I feel I am right here.

So naturally, we arrived on time, but late, the waiting room was packed, which pozalutely stunned me. A clip board with the all important papers were handed to us. Mrs T is a Catholic school educated, former school marm, so anything on a clipboard is vitally important, and likely to be graded. Her best penmanship is also required.

Page 1 is a survey.

First 2 questions I got 100%.
#3 what are my massage needs? How would one know?

#4 Have you ever experienced massage therapy? Resounding NO.

#5 How often do you get a massage? correct again

#6 Do you get a massage as often as you like? Again, I am a 50+ massage virgin. I answered Yes. This was the correct answer, or so I thought.

#7 How often would you like to get a massage? See above. So far I'm batting 100, except for #3.

#8 What days would be most convenient for you? Huh? I answered "For What?"

#9 What do you look for when scheduling a massage? I answered, "a human being to answer the phone." Correct again.

#10 What qualities are you looking for in a massage therapist? My answer, "Someone who is not the mother, wife, sister or daughter of a friend or acquaintance.

I certified I had answered truthfully to the best of my knowledge.

Page 2 was entirely name and phone. I used a bad number and got this page wrong.

So we had our massage. Two lovely young women administered them and I am hopeful the pain in my back and arms will go away in a couple of days.

As they say in horse racing, I have won my maiden, and I still think it would be a horrible way to earn a living.



Martha said...

So glad you survived your "maiden voyage" -- massages are wonderful!

Also, when you go to Sanibel, be sure to go to Captiva -- there is a restaurant on the beach where you can sip drinks outside and watch the sunset. If you want, you can also go inside and eat dinner. We chose drinks and sunset only.


Mom on the Run said...

I've never had a massage and seriously never want one. Can't stand people touching me, which is why I don't do the normal female mani/pedi thing that people find so relaxing either. When we went to Bermuda, DOTR went fishing one day and our hosts thought a spa day for the "girls" would be just the ticket. Not so much.

Legallyblondemel said...

This made me laugh, although I personally shall endeavor to do my part in keeping this profession alive. Yes, yes - I'm nothing if not altruistic.

Your maiden dedication to your personal maiden, Mrs. T, is touching nonetheless.

Giuseppe said...

I mostly take ibuprofen.

Gladys said...

I love massages but can not bring myself to pay someone $$ to rub on me. It feels somewhat decadent and I don't do decandent well. I have my own personal massuese in Kahuna. He will sit for hours rubbing the kinks out of my back, hands and legs. I am a blessed woman. ;)

Renovation Therapy said...

My first massage was glorious. I was in a fuzzy haze for hours. I went on a job interview and I'm sure they must have thought I was high. It was lovely. The subsequent 2 or 3 massages left me bruised for days.

Joann said...

I live across from a park that is the site of various fests throughout the summer...pagan fests, festival of nations etc. and, of course, pride fest. We go to them all. It was at pride fest that free massages were straddled a chair and leaned forward. Now I had been seeing a chiropractor about neck and shoulder pain to little avail and this young woman in 5 to 10 minutes of concentrated kneading got rid of it...totally got rid of it. I wish I could afford to treat myself to this regularly but, alas, must await the next pride fest.

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