Monday, March 7, 2011

The Namer


In his book, The Best of Plimpton, George writes about his ideal retirement.

"Every once in a while I wonder vaguely what I will do very late in my declining years-when just sitting in a chair may be all I can do. The notion has kept recurring that, being a fireworks enthusiast, I would delight in being retained (at a nominal fee, mostly for travel) by Oriental fireworks manufacturers to be assisted out to a field and settled into a chair, possibly with a headrest attached, so that looking up into the night sky would be comfortable, where my function would be to decide on names for their new aerial shells. I would be known as "The Shell-Namer." "

A man's got to dream and this is an honorable calling. To paraphrase Tristram Shandy, "to each man his own hobby horse", and George did love his fireworks. He just didn't dream big enough.

Me, I'd rather be the "Pill Namer".

What manner of idiot names pharmaceuticals? "Ask your doctor if Astro is right for you", my foot. I'd give them real names, for treating real symptoms. Names you'd insist on. Dr. I demand to have....

I'd start by re-naming Viagra.

On nights and weekends I could become "The Car Namer."

Think there is any money in kid naming? If in want, I may be reached here.

Toad

13 comments:

Shelley said...

Love your cartoon house!!!

Flo said...

"I'd start by re-naming Viagra."

Well you have to start somewhere, so go ahead...

Gail, in northern California said...

Your headers are always great but this one tops them all. I love it.

Divine Theatre said...

Ooooh! Oooh! I want to be the lipstick namer. My first duty would be to slap the former "lipstick namer" and ask them "what the hell does that have to do with lipstick? Or color?"
I would like the slapping part best, I think.

Toad said...

The paint namer might also have to take on nail polish naming responsibilities as well

Patsy said...

Someone should rename all those poor children born in the 90s, who were given faux family names.

Free Kansas said...

Can I rename Charlie Sheen?

Barbara said...

Turquoise and Caicos....a real nail polish name. I kind of like it, don't you?
I think namers sit around like Johnny Carson's writing staff and get punchy trying to come up with names nobody has thought of.

Jg. for FatScribe said...

this is genius. miss the ole boy from the Paris Review. want his dream job ... like your making it your own.

Town and Country Mom said...

Yes, naming would be great. Personally, I think all the Pantone colors deserve names, not merely numbers, and that would keep me busy till The End! Of course, restaurant critic still has its appeal--eating and criticizing!

NCJack said...

In yet another "God Bless America" moment, I read not long ago about "naming consultants" (mainly NY and LA, of course) who get thousands of $$$ to pick distinctive-but-not-like -those-people different names for yupscale babies

Shelley said...

Someone has already named all the colours, darn it!

http://chir.ag/projects/name-that-color/#185BCD

Toad said...

Shelley, think of the joy Adam and Eve had while naming things, then do it better