Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dating tips for Gentlemen, Part 1: first dates

It may be reasonably asked, Toad you're old and married, where do you get off giving dating tips? Let me answer this way. Consider it a public service announcement. Also, because I am older, wiser, more experienced, and have more common sense than you.

Like all rules, some of these are made to be broken. I have ignored them all over the years and lived to tell the tale. That is not a strong recommendation, for dismissing them out of hand.

Also, let me suggest the following before reading. These may, or may not, apply to boy-boy, girl-girl encounters. I am blissfully ignorant of such goings on. Additionally, I believe the following to be true. If you are unemployed, you probably shouldn't be dating. Unemployment saps the self confidence and self confidence is vitally important on a first date. Secondly, married women are out of bounds, to gentlemen, at all times.

My 10 Commandments

1. There is an implied contract when asking a woman for a date. The implication is that you are an interesting person, and believe that she may also be a person of interest, and you are willing to find that out, by asking for a date. If she accepts she too is interested.

In short, the first date is about her.

2. Primp: A day or so before the date, call and tell her exactly where she is going, and what she is going to do. Then lay out your clothes. Are they clean, do they fit, do they need pressing? Shine your shoes.

I admit a certain embarrassment in mentioning this, but much observation makes me tell you, to shower, shave, brush your teeth, comb your hair and make yourself presentable. There is absolutely nothing wrong in being the best dressed man, wherever you are going.

Ever watch your sister get ready for a date? The girls spend a lot more time getting ready than you. Honor your date by looking your best.

3. Wash your car, get gas, go to the ATM before you pick her up. You asked her, you're paying, no questions asked. Turn off your car radio when you get to her house. You have different tastes in music. Don't kill your chances here.

4. Be prepared for anything when you knock on her door. She may live at home, so you may get to meet her parents. Perhaps she has young children. Be polite, be interested. Don't kick her cat.

5. Turn off your cell phone, or at least set it on vibrate. If you answer it you die. This date is about you two. It's not important to know that your friends have found the bar where the fashion week models hang out. Your not going there, you have plans for the evening.

6. Be a gentleman. Help her with her coat, open her door, open the car door, walk around the front of the car, get in. When you arrive, open her car door, assist her as needed.

Perhaps this sounds really out of touch, but let me explain. Its good manners. You are trying to stand out from the crowd. Show early on that you are at least semi-evolved. It will pay dividends later.

7. There is only the two of you. You are both adults. You each have baggage, you have dated before. It's not important for her to know tonight that you regularly date the Cowboys cheerleaders. You don't want to find out tonight that she regularly dates pro football players.

She accepted your offer of a date, because she has some interest in getting to know you. Women are the civilizing influence in our culture. She is not going out with you solely because you are male and breathing. Show some respect. Listen to her, she doesn't want to hear your complaints about old girlfriends.

8. Send a text message tonight, and the date is OVER. She has my permission to either shove your IPHONE unlubricated up your ass, or ask to be taken home immediately. You will take either quietly and deservedly.

9. There are less than 6 degrees of separation. Regardless of where you live, your circle intersects hers somewhere.

Before your date, she told everyone she knows that she was going out with you. This was for two reasons. To find out something about you, and for bragging rights. After the date, she will again talk with everyone she knows about your date. If you are a bounder, your dating pool will quickly become polluted. Even if you were not the right guy for her, if you comported your self well, she will tell everyone that sadly you two didn't click, but that you were a good pick up for someone else.

10. Sometimes miracles happen. Keep a fresh one in your wallet and use it Don't forget to call the next day.

I await your comments. In your heart you know I'm right.

Toad

7 comments:

Free Kansas said...

I've been jipped here. These lessons may have been implied to a younger me. But, nothing as clear as these 15 (crash) 10, These 10 commandments. Is this a result of experiences in your later years or, was I simply allowed enough rope to hang myself with?

Number 1

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