Hope

The holiday niceness has finally begun to take its toll. I feel a need to let loose my inner male, or at least give it a winter airing before bottling it up until spring.

Rephrasing Yonks who asked over the weekend that if the Mayans are correct and come the winter solstice next year we're toast what would you want to accomplish this year?, I'd wonder how to spend that last day. Your answer may depend upon where you lie on the belief in the afterlife continuum.

Given assurances that in fact the Earth and all on it were going to perish later in the day, my final moments would likely be unpleasant for Lauren Hutton, who probably has her own plans, which likely don't include me.

As long as the probability of universal destruction is low, I took comfort from a recent J Crew catalog. Like Ralph, J. Crew is allergic to using adult women as models, perhaps because there are so few whom "toothpick" pants would flatter. Accidently perhaps, Ms. Hutton appeared in J Crew ads once upon a time. Looks like her granddaughter, the one with the American teeth, has replaced her.

Zank heaven, for very tall, 'tween girls who like to play dress up. Now that I have that out of my system...

Toad

king cake

King Cake

Not yet ready to pull the plug on the holidays, then try baking a King Cake.

The practice of baking King Cakes during the holiday season is ancient. Romans baked a version for Saturnalia, held around the winter solstice. Later, the cake tradition was Christianized and baked for 12th night, the feast of the Epiphany when it is said the 3 kings visited the infant Jesus. In the US, the purple green and yellow sugared version is more often seen during Mardi Gras feasts.

Mardi Gras King Cake

The King Cake is a party cake and while each country in Europe has it's own variation and tradition on a familar theme, my favorite has a fruitcake or brioche base. As you bake each cake, a small porcelain toy (feve) is inserted in the dough. Whoever gets the slice of the cake with the toy is the King or Queen with all the rights, duties, obligations and appearances due a monarch.

If you're game try this recipe. I think you'll like it. Every bakery in Western Europe offers a commercial variety but the nanny state EU no longer allows commercial bakers to include the feve. Naturally, porcelain feves have become very collectible.

Les Feves

Toad

NMP

I like you just the way you are. That is why I repeat this every January 1st.

However, if you are hell bent on making New Years resolutions have the decency and courtesy to avoid those self esteem destroying, I'm gonna lose 25 pounds by swimming suit season types. I'll all for self improvement, but self delusion goes a long way.

Allow me to offer the easiest resolution suggestion that you will ever encounter. It is in fact mind numbingly easy, it simply requires that you to change your outlook. If you do it right you will find its simple principles, will improve every aspect of your life. And its free.

With heartfelt thanks to my old boss, Hap Lignoul, and author Douglas Adams I call it NMP. NMP should become your mantra. NMP, as in Not My Problem.

Imagine sitting at home worrying that your doofus high schooler forgot his lunch money, homework, and scheduled 3 calendar conflicts. Instead of stewing about it, remember NMP. You're not paying the price, let him deal with it. Do not give it another thought.

Co-workers flight leaves in an hour and he hasn't left for the airport yet? Bummer, but its NMP.

Is your neighbor off her diet? NMP

Are Karen and Mary at odds? NMP

Not for the world, do I suggest you give up your kind, generous, thoughtful manner. What I am suggesting is, that if everyone worried about what was their own small piece of the world, and kept their nose out of everyone else's business, the world would be a much better place. Your stress level falls. Your blood pressure falls. You live a longer and healthier life. Your near adult children just might learn the value of price paying,and responsibility, once they see you love them enough to let them fail, HARD if necessary. Focus on what you are responsible for, and leave the rest.

Try it, I dare ya.

Happy 2012 to each and every one of you. Let's make this a wonderful, happy, joyous year. We deserve it.

Toad

Hogmany 2011

Since becoming a Scottish Laird last year I've had to brush up on my knowledge of local holiday customs. Nothing is more conspicuous or off putting than the no-nothing American in with a band of locals, keeping ancient traditions alive.

The Scottish New Year Eve celebration derives from the Viking tradition aided unwittingly by dour Methodists and the Church of Scotland. For 400 years, until the 1950's, The Church forbade Christmas celebrations in Scotland. Their belief was that Christmas was a papist feast, something Scots should have no hand in. So the Scots worked Christmas and celebrated the winter solstice at New Year's Eve parties, Hogmanies, where friends would gather and gifts would be exchanged,whisky shared, Auld Lang Syne sung at midnight along with ample kissing under the mistletoe.

After midnight "First Footing" is still practiced. The first guest for the new year should be a dark haired man bearing the symbolic gifts of salt, bread, coal and a wee dram of spirits. A blond headed man would never due. The Vikings were blond, and when they showed at your door historically it meant trouble.

My Irish male relations would prefer a lusty, blond, whisky bearing, woman be their first New Year's visitor although not a one would have a clue how to keep her entertained before mother returned home.

Whatever your practice, be safe (ish). Be a bit naughty but don't get caught. Lie if you must. I'll leave the light on for ya, see ya next year. Happy New Year.

Laird Toad

Why make this up?

Nothing will take place on Friday, December 30, 2011 in Samoa. Historical records will not exist. Newspaper entries will not record the comings and goings of Samoans on December 30. The Samoans have collectively decided to give the day a miss. They are going to sleep on Thursday, and waking on Saturday. If you are reading this at work, one of the few people in the office, you're probably wondering why you didn't give Friday a miss as well.

If you cannot immediately conjure a mental of image of Samoa, imagine an island nation straddling the international dateline on the wrong side of their largest trading partners, Australia and New Zealand, which limits Samoans to only 4 shopping days per week.

Someone had the bright idea of paying the International Map Line Drawers Association to move the date line a tad to the east so Samoans and their friends would all be on the same day. American Samoa took a pass. They apparently like Fridays.

Toad

Old Toad

I mentioned in a comment yesterday that Boxing Day would have been my father's 88th birthday. On his last birthday he was diagnosed with the cancer that killed him 4 days later. He was a stoic SOB.

I was almost 2 when we met. Having served in the Navy during WW2 he joined the Marine reserve battalion his friends belonged to. He then talked his wife's brothers into signing up too. Using the lure of free work clothes and beer money as an inducement is how his BIL's teased his enlistment speech. They followed him wherever he wanted to go. Once the menfolk signed up, their unit was activated during summer camp and shipped out to Korea. I was born while he was away. After being wounded several times the Marines made him a Drill Instructor, his smokey bear hat my oldest memory of him.

He was a dude who never met a stranger, always drove convertibles. 6'3" skinny as a rail. Forsook a pro pitching contract to get married. He worked for one company his entire adult life. I never, ever saw him wear anything other than a suit to work, with a hat until the late 60's, and no one ever saw him in shorts.

I was hardly my father's son. We had little in common, I hated sports, he loved them, we disagreed about the major things, which it turned out he was right and I was wrong. I loved him and he loved me and that was enough for each of us. Twenty five years gone hardly a day goes by when I don't think to call him about something, then remember I can't. I miss him, and likely always will.

Toad

To absent friends

In between the childish parts of the holiday season and the more timorous adult happenings this weekend it is good to spend a moment remembering those who will only be in our hearts in the coming year.

or as Lennon/McCartney put it:

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

Ladies and Gentlemen I offer a toast. "To absent friends"

Toad

Happy Chanukah-the 8th night

Biblical Bumper Stickers

Adam: "You are what you eat."

Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."

Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."

Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land."

Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"

At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"

At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

Many apologies the jokes this week have come from The Jewish Magazine

Happy Holidays.

We're Toast

Around 1990 an American seismologist Iben Browning predicted that a massive earthquake would occur in the Mississippi flood plain wreaking havoc to those, like me, living in the affected neighborhood.  He even provided a date as I recall.  Millions of dollars were earned by those selling home earthquake protection systems, bottled water, stored food supplies and ready fuel and cash.  In many ways, prepackaged Mormon security kits.  The quake hasn't yet come to pass, but friends and neighbors still have cases of oatmeal standing guard in their basements.  I gave Iben a pass.

On January 1, 2000 the world as we knew it was scheduled to come to a screeching end. Utilities and banks, not  having the sense that god gave sheep, were expected to let their computer systems turn over and die when the calendar rolled to 2000.  The collected stupidity of the financial system would launch economic suicide on all of us. Utilities were so out of touch they would forgo the opportunity for profit, plunging us into New Year's darkness and cold, while their computerized delivery mechanisms shut down at the stroke of midnight.

Were you Y2K compatible?  Certain that Mrs. T wasn't, I postponed our nupts until January 15th.  She wasn't then and still isn't, and I've lived to tell the tale.  All the other bad stuff never happened either.

Now I reminded of Muhammad Ali's pre-trial assertion that the Viet Cong never called him names.  The Mayan's, with whom I've no truck have signed our death warrant.  We've less than a year to live.  How can we not take a 700 year prediction seriously?  I've been lucky thus far, but the odds are not in our favor this time.

The trouble is what's the point of making a killing on this if we are all toast?  It's worse than a rapture.  In a rapture many (most?) don't go.  At an end of the world party we check in but never leave.

So how do we prepare?  I'm all for spending the year drinking wine cellars dry, blowing the kids inheritance, draining nest years Christmas fund early, racking up incredible debt, while enjoying life to the fullest all the way to the end.   If we wake up to find the Mayans were wrong about the date we invade Mayanlandia.  It is right and just.

Toad



mayans offed around 1300  http://www.thenagain.info/webchron/americas/endmaya.html

y2k compatibility

mid america earthquake predictor 1990ish   Iben Browning's Prediction of a 1990 New Madrid, wiki

no mayan ever called me names- m ali v viet cong

drink up the cellar, blow the college fund, max the credit cards,

Happy Chanukah-7th night

From The Jewish Magazine

Chanukah Mailing

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

Shalom

My foot does not taste very good

 Have you ever had exactly the wrong response to a present? I have. It is unfun, and I feel like a bounder.

In the world of technology there is a spectrum which runs from early adapters, those who must have tomorrow's latest gadgets yesterday, to late adapters who will accept a technology when they absolutely must and then there is everywhere in between. I'm a non adapter. My car is 35 years old. I am one of the few adults on the planet that still has a home phone, albeit without voicemail or an answering machine, I do not have a cell phone, although my wife does. She had to update her bag phone when the networks went digital, and hasn't changed phones in 10+ years.  I have a laptop, but the computer at home that gets the most use runs Windows 98, and fills all our requirements. I hope it runs forever.

For Christmas I received an Ipad.  Tens of children wanted one for Christmas and were disappointed they didn't receive one.  I, on the other hand, received one, and am disappointed. I'm not mobile, I read books on paper, I rarely watch television on screens under 40". I prefer mechanical toys. Am I missing some compelling, life changing reason to have this thing?

Unfortunately, my usual aplomb abandoned me. Unwrapping the paper I must have looked like I opened a sack of eels. I know and appreciate how hard my bride works to find just the right present for everyone.  She researches, shops, knows everything about her target, and can explain its why in great detail.  This time, I was underwhelmed and showed it.  Mrs T was powerfully disappointed.  My reaction had let her down and I feel terrible. Disappointing my bride  is not a position I enjoy.

Toad

Happy Chanukah-6th night

Shalom

Merry Christmas

Esquire Magazine December 1963

For those unfamiliar with the story of Christmas here is a one minute thirty second explanation.



Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night.

Toad and Mrs. T

Happy Chanukah-5th night

Xmas vrs. Chanukah

Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Xmas and Chanukah, you will know what and how to answer!

1. Xmas is one day, same day every year, December 25.

Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure.

Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday.

Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...

Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas.

No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc, so even if you are an illiterate klutz you can't go wrong.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts.

Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.

Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful....

Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful from sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking.

A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. Jews burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. Unless of course you are in Israel where they celebrate by eating inedible cherry donuts call sufganiot.

9. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas.

Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary and Joseph.

The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta-whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

11. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.

We save money on Chanukah, less gifts to buy, less to return, less junk to deal with, easier to sleep with.

Better to stick with Chanukah!

Shalom

C'est Noel

From our house to yours, Merry Christmas

Toad and Mrs. T

Photo shamelessly borrowed from Simply Seductive, who borrowed from Marie Claire Magazine, who...

Happy Chanukah-4th night

The Dedication 

 Now the Maccabees returned to Jerusalem to liberate it. They entered the Temple and cleared it of the idols placed there by the Syrian vandals. Judah and his followers built a new altar, which he dedicated on the twenty-fifth of the month of Kislev, in the year 3622. Since the golden Menorah had been stolen by the Syrians, the Maccabees now made one of cheaper metal. When they wanted to light it, they found only a small cruse of pure olive oil bearing the seal of the High Priest Yochanan. It was sufficient to light only for one day. By a miracle of G-d, it continued to burn for eight days, till new oil was made available. That miracle proved that G-d had again taken His people under His protection. In memory of this, our sages appointed these eight days for annual thanksgiving and for lighting candles. 

Shalom

Happy Festivus

Festivus celebrates being alive at a time when it is hard to be alive. Since mankind crawled out of the primordial soup, at this time of year people have given thanks that great storms or wild beasts hadn't destroyed them, famine and drought hadn't killed them and insane leaders hadn't shuffled them off to war.

Families then prayed that next year's crops would grow, that wild animals wouldn't devour them, that they and their family would survive to do it all over again next year. Then they feasted, sometimes a little too heartily which led to airings of grievances, feats of strength and all the rest.

Festivus is as old as mankind, yet still as relevant as it ever was. Party on, you survived, you earned it.

Toad

Happy Chanukah-3rd night

Shalom

Solstice

Today marks the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere, summer if you are fortunate enough to be in the southern. For travelers in the north, today has the fewest hours of daylight, in the south the longest hours of sunshine.

In modern times Christians all over the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ on Christmas on December 25. However, it is believed that this date was chosen to offset older Roman pagan celebrations of Saturnalia and Natalis Invicti. Some believe that celebrating the birth of the “true light of the world” was set in synchronization with the December solstice because from that point onwards, the days began to have more daylight in the northern hemisphere.

Christmas is also referred to as Yule, which derives from the Norse word jól, referring to the pre-Christian winter solstice festival. Yule is the time when ancient believers celebrated the rebirth of the Sun God and with it days with more light. This took place annually around the time of the December solstice and lasted for 12 days. Fires were lit to symbolize the heat, light and life-giving properties of the returning sun. A Yule or Juul log was brought in and burned on the hearth in honor of the Scandinavian god Thor.

In England, Germany, France and other European countries, the Yule log was burned until nothing but ash remained. The ashes were then collected and either strewn on the fields as fertilizer every night until Twelfth Night or kept as a charm and or used in making medicine.  French peasants believed that if the ashes were kept under the bed, they would protect the house against thunder and lightning. The present-day custom of lighting a Yule log at Christmas is believed to have originated in the ancient bonfires associated with the feast of Juul.

Toad

Happy Chanukah-second night

First Blessing over the lighting of the candle...
Blessed are you O L-rd our G-d, King of the universe, who has sanctified us through His commandments and commanded us to kindle the Chanukah lights.

Second Blessing in remerance of the miracles...
Blessed are you O L-rd our G-d, King of the universe, who brought miracles for our ancestors, in those days at this time {of year}.

Shalom