Ted the Wonder Dog

1997-2012

My heart is broken

Toad

Ted's bad night

It's tough being owned by the world's dumbest dog. When he understood that the universe revolves around him, and that humans are only there to further his aims, the game was lost.

Ted the Wonder Dog hasn't left the porch, or driveway in a week. The ground has been wet, and he fears getting his dainty paws muddy, he's been sleeping like a cat. Can't say that I much blame him, but after a while, a dog has to go out and stay out for a while.

Just as we were getting ready for bed last night he decided he was going out. Heaven only knows who he was meeting, but he was going out come hell or high water. So I let him out and went to bed. Usually when he wants in he'll let us know.

In the morning I opened the door, expecting to see his sorry self asleep in his favorite spot on the porch. Only a semblance of him was there.

The savage beast must have spent the night chasing wild critters far and wide. He was covered in burrs so badly he couldn't open his eyes, and he wasn't at all happy about his inability to see. I spent my first hour picking burrs, thorns, sticks and grass from his wooly self, but he wouldn't let me anywhere near his face.

I was genuinely worried for him. The noise he made trying to free the burrs from his eyes was heart wrenching. Ever try to locate a vet on a holiday? It isn't easy. In desperation we called the groomer, bring him right over, she says. Within 10 minutes she had one eye uncovered, but felt the other required the clippers.

So shaved he got. The poor dog. Every time I look at him I laugh. His self esteem is shattered. Ever since he came home he has been curled up in a ball on his rug.

Betcha he doesn't leave his porch for weeks.

Toad

Ya buy him books...

The dog is not bright.

For 3 years he's been warned almost weekly.

Ted, there are 3 things you are not to mess with. Turkeys will kick your ass, so look up periodically. A roosting turkey leaping from a tree limb will knock you cold.

Number 2, if looks sorta dog like but not really keep away. It's probably hungrier than you, and maybe willing to take a nip. You wouldn't care for it much.

Lastly, not only are owls our friends, they can be mean. Don't attempt to come between an owl and its dinner. You'll lose.

So what does he do?

He snatches an owl.

Without explaining what "it" is. Owls do it. Somewhat territorially. Whoa be the owl who elects to do it, in another owl's territory.

This little guy tried. The big guy in the first picture would have no interlopers while he "ited", and whupped this lad right out of the sky. That's when Ted the Wonder Dog got him.

The whole event was over in seconds. The trespasser had the wind knock out of him and came to, in Ted's caring mouth, then let out a screech that sounded profane. Startled Ted let him go.

After bragging to his friends for a bit, he quietly went to the back of the barn and spit feathers for several hours.. Both the owl and Ted survived. The pecking order understood. Ted is a wiser dog.

Toad

Remember babysitting?

Remember how you disliked babysitting? Maybe not as a kid, but as an adult, watching your friends and neighbors kids? Especially, when you already had kids of your own and had some idea how it was done? Never really liked it did you?

Last weekend Mrs. T got a similar but as dreaded an offer. "Nana, wanna watch my dog next week, while my family and I go to Disney World?", asked our 9 year old grandson.

What ya got enough money to go, but not enough to afford a kennel. It is after all your 15th trip there.

So, early Sunday morning, the little beast shows up. Generally, I like dogs, this one, no. It is mean, destructive, and never a brow has been furrowed in thought concerning the most rudimentary training for this monster. Won't come, isn't housebroken, bites. Naturally, at its home, the sun rises and sets around this dog.

Wouldn't you know it too, it came with two single spaced typed pages of its needs and wants, which we lost before they were out of the driveway.

Fortunately, we have a trick up our sleeve and they know it. We put a leash on the beast, and pull the handle through Ted the Wonder Dog's collar, That way, Ted has to watch it, we know Ted won't run away, and the little beast is out of sight and out of mind.

God only knows how we'll have to make it up to Ted, but pay we will.

Toad

PS: Before you call the ASPCA, PETA or the sheriff be aware of two facts regarding this case.

1. Everyone involved knows that Mrs. T is dangerously allergic to many breeds of dog.
2. Although Mrs. T said yes, this naturally becomes my problem for a week. If you need me I'll be at home.

My dog is smarter than....

I am ashamed to admit this but Ted the Wonder Dog has a better memory than I.

Ted and I are creatures of routine. He's is pretty hard to rattle, but generally he likes and gets things his way.

Let me provide an example. I am an unapologetic cigar smoker. I only smoke outside, at home. Mrs. T says she likes the smell of cigars in the house, but I know that's a lie. I don't like the smell, so outside it is. So of an evening Ted and I take our cigars and a tipple, head to the rockers on the veranda and spend an hour or so swapping lies, and catching up on each other's day. We have been doing this rain or shine, hot or cold for years. We enjoy the time together.

Another part of our routine is thus. When it is cold out, I always wear an old Barbour Beaufort jacket, and in the handwarmer pocket I keep 2 dog bones. (After his smoke, Ted enjoys a bone). When I put the jacket on, Ted becomes a different dog. He's awake, his animated, he's helpful and will do whatever I tell him, at least until he gets the bones.

Saturday evening was cold, and for the first time this season I wore the old warhorse green jacket. Ted went nuts and I couldn't figure out why. Finally, I caught on. Apparently, I'm not well dressed until I put a couple of bones in my pocket.

Toad